Pages

10.3.10

"justified"

Storm Hogan they tell me its ok to
not do as well
to be a little
behind

but its not ok
even if they tell me
that i'm
"justified"

there is no excuse for
less
than your
best

i have not done my best
yet
no,
my time has not come

but it will.
and when it does,
no one will
know

no one will know
that i
could have been
"justified"


written with a
sick body
a sick heart
and a
strong mind

i wrote this because i was recently diagnosed with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS). these are the things the doctors tell me when i am forced to not attend school, to be trapped in my home all day with homework sent to me. these are the things the doctors tell me when i have to pass on going ice skating with my friends because of the excercise intolerance that comes along with pots.

but these are the same things i will do someday.

i will.

4 comments:

  1. Auntie7.6.10

    Who are we to judge ourselves so severly? Let others do that to their undoing. Ours is just to do and do to be the best we can be at that fleeting moment in time and not to compare it to yesterday or tomorrow. If we can only take that video tape out of our head about what I should have done or said or been then we can expend our energy where it can do the most good...the here and now...the here and now. destroy that tape...destroy the tape recorder...then we will have more energy to blossom and grow as we change every day...Better? Worse? Who is to say...Nay not you nor I for we are too busy BEING.

    ReplyDelete
  2. that is true. but see, to me, it is also an un-truth. i have had hour long lectures from doctors about how i need to lower my expectations, how i need to realize that i am just not normal. what are they to tell me what i need? who are they, these people in these faceless white coats, to tell me what it is i should expect of myself?
    i expect nothing more of myself than myself. and that is what they are going to get, expected or not.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Auntie19.6.10

    Regardless of whether someone tells you how to feel about yourself in hopes to inspire, to assuage stress, to insure your health...no matter why, we can not really accept their direction as we realize there is no way they can know who we are, where we've been nor where we are going. It is hard to perceive the insight they are seeking to impart when we are SCREAMING, YOU DO NOT KNOW ME!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Storm20.6.10

    exactly.
    my point in this poem was to get across my wishes of fullfillment without needless excuses. i am not unreasonable in my expectations of myself, i know exactly what it is i can do. but i intend to do it in a way that not only lets ME know i earned it, but the rest of the world, which is often short-sighted and unforgiving. i do not want to go into a job interview and have the person looking at me as someone who got off with a little less work because of a 'medical condition' which they of course have never heard of. i want to walk in and them see me for me, regardless of whatever name is stamped on my troubles. this is only an example, my life is not narrowed to what an interviewer for a job will think, but to how i want to live my life. although i do not CARE what others think of me, i am not naive enough to think that what others think of me does not effect me.

    so yes, exactly right.

    ReplyDelete